Life of San Fransokyo
by Charadrius
Summary: In honor of David Attenborough's 90th birthday, witness the majesty of nature as the man himself recounts an amazing story of survival, comradery, and... fancy breakfast foods? He'll show you San Fransokyo like you've never see it before!
Images of city buildings, rows of traffic, and bustling crowds of people flash by to the tunes of an enthusiastic orchestral score, before we see the title card displayed _: Life in San Fransokyo_

We cut to the outside of the Lucky Cat Café, where David Attenborough, dawned with his infamous blue, button-up shirt and tan cargo-pants, smiles at the camera.

Attenborough speaks: "Many of us go about our day-to-day lives in sheer ignorance of the beauty of the natural world which surrounds us. There can be no better example of the sheer wonders of nature than here: a seemingly ordinary food shop hidden away among the large and majestic buildings of San Fransokyo. What sorts of strange wonders await us in this pristine habitat?"

With a spring in his step, Attenborough walks into the doors of the café.

In the next shot, Attenborough stands by a small sign that says "please wait to be seated".

"The creatures that inhabit this café may be the only members of their kind. There are simply no other beings like them on this planet. I'm about to encounter one now." Attenborough speaks, and not long after do we see Aunt Cass walking up to the man.

She greets him with a warm smile, "welcome to the Lucky Cat Café! Table for…" she grows perplexed at the sight of not only Attenborough but his camera crew, "three?"

Attenborough turns to the camera, "this is the Striped Cassandra, named after the light blond streaks that adorn the pelage. A most beautiful creature, endowed with the skills necessary to survive in the wild."

"Erm, alright. Follow me please." Aunt Cass motioned with her hand towards a booth, to which Attenborough and his crew took their seats. Still confused, she took out a small notepad.

"What would you gentlemen be interested in having this morning? Our special of the day are Strawberry Protein Pancake Roll Ups with a hint of Non-fat Yogurt Filling. Those go excellent with jasmine tea." Aunt Cass offered, to which David nodded with a simple "yes please."

"Alright, three orders, coming right up!" Cass beamed before walking towards the kitchen.

Attenborough again turned to the camera and whispered casually, "in all my years of natural history filmmaking, this is indeed a rare experience for me. I've climbed the face of Mount Roraima, encountering plants found nowhere else in the world. I've been in the humble presence of Mountain Gorillas in Rwanda. But never before have I experienced the culinary artwork of a Striped Cassandra."

Aunt Cass entered the kitchen and stumbled across Hiro, who was washing dishes.

"Hiro," Aunt Cass called lightly, "we have an order for three pancake roll ups. There are some interesting gentlemen there and it looks like they're filming some sort of movie."

"Don't they need to have special written permission from you to be filming in here?" Hiro asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Aunt Cass shrugged, "it's not a problem. They seem nice. Why don't you go and converse with them for a bit while I make their meal?"

Hiro sighed, "Alright", before walking out of the kitchen.

As Hiro walked in their direction, Attenborough lit up like a Christmas tree. "I dare say, there's another one! Marvelous! This appears to be a young male, probably in his early teens, and already sporting a fantastic mane."

Hiro stopped to see the camera pointed straight at him. "Um… hello."

"Greetings young man! Are you an inhabitant of this area?" Attenborough asked, delighted.

"Yeah. We live upstairs. Aunt Cass owns this restaurant and I volunteer every now and again when I'm not busy studying for school." Hiro replied, awkwardly scratching his head.

Astonished, Attenborough turns to the camera, "this young male appears to be of familial relations to the Striped Cassandra we encountered previously. That means that we're dealing with a case of ontogeny. The black mane sported by this individual will eventually turn that rich shade of brown and acquire the blond stripes during sexual maturity."

Hiro backed away slightly, "whoa what?! Alright… nice chatting with you." Not skipping a beat, Hiro ran upstairs, but not before a large white form descended downward.

"Hello Hiro." Baymax spoke, "please exercise caution when moving up stairs. A fall could lead to bodily harm."

"Now this enormous and unpigmented creature is not of biological origin." Right of the bat, Attenborough continued. "It is a robot, often designed by human beings to play a use in various functions. It is an unparalleled marvel of engineering, and this one appears to have been designed to look humanoid."

Baymax wattled across the floor of the café.

"Notice the movement of the machine. Quite similar to the stiff and often hilarious movement of those regal spheniscid birds of the southern continents, the penguins."

The robot began disinfecting some of the tables.

"And now, the robot begins to clean the area. If this was programmed to have animal behaviors, this may very well be part of an elaborate ritual, not dissimilar to New Guinea's birds-of-paradise. Extraordinary!"

In no time, Aunt Cass appeared with their order, displayed elegantly on a magenta tray. "Alrighty boys! Three pancake roll ups! You all enjoy!"

As Aunt Cass placed the tray on the table, the camera crew continued filming as Attenborough pulled out a microscope.

"At first glance these pancakes appear to be simple structures, but not so. Millions of years of evolution have crafted the Striped Cassandra to be a master of food construction. If I took a sample and placed it under the microscope-" and Attenborough does so "-then you'll notice billions upon billions of small sugar crystals. Their appearance is mind-boggling."

Aunt Cass placed her hands on her hips as she pouted annoyingly. "Sir, while I appreciate the kind words, I'd prefer that you eat my food rather than perform a scientific investigation on it."

Attenborough sheepishly puts away the microscope and picks up a fork. "It appears that our presence has angered the Striped Cassandra slightly. We must be careful. This is her territory, and she'll defend it viciously."

"You're damn right." Aunt Cass simply said, smirking, before she walked off to help another customer.

As Attenborough and his crew began eating the pancake roll ups, Baymax continued to clean. Hiro descended down the stairs, now sporting a backpack, and said a few words to his aunt before hugging her and exiting the café. Baymax followed suit.

Attenborough's camera man took notice and nudged at the naturalist. With his mouth full, Attenborough hurryingly swallowed before rising up from his seat quickly.

"The Wild Hiro is leaving the nest! It appears the robot belongs to him. If we're lucky enough to catch up to it, we can learn more about its wild habits. The scientific community would be fortunate to have this information!"

As the three headed for the door, they were stopped by an angry Aunt Cass. "And just where do you think you three are going?"

"We've been spotted by the Striped Cassandra. It appears her maternal instincts have kicked in, and she may charge."

"What? No. There will be no charging. Except for the food I made you all. Your meal total comes to $6.50." Aunt Cass raised her open palm.

Attenborough simply fished out the appropriate cash slowly extended his hand outward. Aunt Cass smiled and stepped aside, "thank you for dining with us! Have a wonderful day!" she beamed.

…

Now we see David Attenborough outside the San Fransokyo Institute of Technology. Various students are walking by, and the day couldn't be more sunny and clear.

"I'm here at SFIT, a university for gifted individuals of science." Attenborough began, "Our long trek to find the Wild Hiro have led us here. And, as you can see, the university is full of life. Great herds and flocks gather here to socialize with one another, a sign of complex intelligence. Like chimpanzees and corvids, many of these creatures are capable of advance tool-making. The Wild Hiro is perhaps unrivaled in the animal kingdom for this ability."

Attenborough walked up the steps of one of the lab-buildings and stumbles across many of the students constructing various projects and such. Hiro was spotted next to Baymax and Fred, who appeared to be conversing by an armchair.

"If one wanted to witness the outward expressions of the mind of intelligent beings, it would be here." Attenborough simply walked over and spotted a large ball of tungsten-carbide. "Like this marvelous structure. It appears to be made of tungsten-carbide, a material often used to make jewelry or tools or armor. And it is very likely that whatever creature using these compounds is very intelligent indeed."

"Well hi there!" Yelled a cheerful voice, startling Attenborough slightly. Honey Lemon had bounded in and noticed the three individuals staring at her work. "May I help you?"

"What luck!" Attenborough cheered as the camera focused on Honey and him. "The brightly colored creature you see before us is the Citrus Honeyguide. A marvelous animal indeed. Notice the length of the legs: biologists have long speculated as to the need for such thin appendages. Some have suggested that they are an adaptation to wading, while others speculate that the legs help the Honeyguide reach into trees to secure food. No one really knows for sure."

"The Citrus what? Are you okay, sir?" Honey cocked her head, confused.

GoGo and Wasabi walked up behind her.

"Who's the old dude?" GoGo asked.

"Is that a camera? Who let you in here?" Wasabi added.

"More creatures have arrived. It really is unique that so many different animals have come together in this one place. Reminds me of my travels in Kenya on the open savannas." Attenborough motioned towards GoGo and Wasabi.

"These two specimens have very fascinating natural histories. The Greater Eutrema is endowed with enormous strength and size. A true marvel of nature, this being is actually rather shy and only flaunts its massive bulk in the hopes it will deter predators. Similar analogues exist for some lizard species."

"Okay this guy is freaking me out." Wasabi remarked, holding his hands together nervously.

"The Purple Streaked Roadrunner is perhaps one of the fastest animals in the world. Top speeds have been clocked at 400 kilometers an hour, that's significantly faster than the Peregrine Falcon. Notice the black outer coverings: they give a very tough disposition. Unlike the Greater Eutrema, this species is a force of nature. Few animals dare to challenge it."

"I don't know what this guy's deal is… but I'm digging the commentary. Tell me more." GoGo smirked, placing her hands on her hips.

"The thighs of the Roadrunner are abnormally large for a specimen like this, and it is very likely that this tiny creature is bulking up for hibernation."

"Wait? What did you just fucking say about me?!" GoGo stomped towards Attenborough, who stepped back in return.

"Oh dear, we've angered it. If we don't get out of here soon, we may not survive the ordeal. Roadrunner attacks have been known to be fatal." Attenborough started to make a run for it as his camera crew followed suit. GoGo took off after them without a hitch. The chase only lasted for a little while before Attenborough ran into Baymax.

"Greetings sir. Please be careful when running. A man of your age is in no stable condition for fast-paced exercise." Baymax spoke, but not before GoGo caught up to them.

Hiro walked up to Baymax and immediately recognized the older gentleman. "Oh great, it's you again."

"You know this jerk?" GoGo pointed, causing Attenborough to flinch slightly.

"We had breakfast at the café. He's was acting like this the entire time." Hiro explained as Wasabi and Honey Lemon arrived on the scene. Fred was curious as well.

"What is he doing here?" Wasabi asked, "he called me a… marvel of nature. It's throwing me off."

"Yeah, he said scientists were perplexed at my legs… I don't even know how to respond to that." Honey added, shaking her head.

"This is remarkable behavior. We are witnessing a mutualistic encounter between five different organisms and a humanoid robot. This is truly a highlight of my career." Attenborough continued, only further confusing everyone.

"Who the hell talks like that?" GoGo fumed, "we're human beings!"

"It's almost as if he's an alien who's just discovered our world." Fred commented, "He doesn't know anything about us."

"That's ridiculous. He's just a senile old man who's confused about everything." Hiro explained, walking up to Attenborough and grabbing him by the collar. "Listen dude, stop following us. Get out of here before I call the campus police."

Attenborough, not afraid, simply patted Hiro's hair, "the Wild Hiro seems to be a playful fellow. Perhaps if I offered him a treat, he may take it." Attenborough pulls out a PB&J sandwich and hands it to Hiro.

"Here you go little one." He beamed, only causing Hiro to freak out even more and back away.

"DUDE! I'm allergic to peanuts!" Hiro yelled.

"That's it. I'm calling the police." Honey Lemon picked up her phone and dialed the appropriate number.

Attenborough simply dropped the sandwich and ran off, his camera crew following behind.

"HEY! Stop that man!" Wasabi called out as GoGo and Hiro started running after him.

…

Now we see Attenborough far away from the school, still jolly as ever. He was hiding behind a dumpster.

"The beauty and diversity of the creatures that call San Fransokyo home seem endless. But things are not always as they appear. Loss of habitat, overhunting, and pollution have driven many of these amazing animals to the brink of extinction. We can only hope that through education and proper conservation, human beings can continue to enjoy San Fransokyo, for generations to come."

Sirens could be heard in the distance, but Attenborough remained calm and pulled out a grappling hook. A small helicopter descended from the sky and was within reasonable distance for him to throw the hook and catch the railing of the chopper. Before the cops could arrive, Attenborough and his camera crew grabbed a firm hold and ascended into the sky. Police officers stormed out of their cars and watched in shock and anger as the helicopter flew away.

From the Lucky Cat Café, Aunt Cass stood from the roof of her garden and watched Attenborough sail through the air from a reasonable distance. Crying slightly, Aunt Cass pulled out a pair of panties and threw them at the helicopter. Attenborough managed to catch them and waved at Aunt Cass, who returned the gesture and blew a kiss.

And San Fransokyo never saw David Attenborough again.

 _The End!_


End file.
